December 13, 2005

I want to go but I can't get out.

Everyday, I get a hollow feeling in the pit of my stomach on my way to work. I try to rise above it, but sometimes, I get so frustrated. Why can't I leave? Is this the best thing for me ever? If this is the best thing for me, then how come I'm paying for it with my health?

I find myself not caring about these people anymore, which is terrible since I'm the 100% type of person. I don't operate on gray areas. I cannot work effectively unless I give it everything I've got.

Every time a colleague talks to me, I detach myself from the conversation. It doesn't matter whether or not it's work-related. I'm not in it anymore. I come in, do the work then leave. I'm trying to stay away even from idle chitchat. I don't like what I'm becoming.

I can't work this way. I'm trying hard not to get jaded. I'm trying to still see the positive in them, but it's hard. Not when I've been burned many times over by the shenanigans of former and current colleagues - the shifting loyalties, the backstabbing, the office politics - largely everything that makes the place a snake pit.

I keep thinking "home is where the heart is". All day long, I only look forward to seeing those that matter to me. At least with them, I matter in return. I don't want to sacrifice my health anymore. Enough is enough.


Paige said...

I understand. Take them all as they are. Nod & blink your eyes pretend the steam is comming out of your ears lol. Take little breaks through out the day-go home in your heart & mind. If you have to work there start looking for something new... if you don't store up some nuts then go. Best of luck to you

Cez said...

Makes sense. I'll definitely keep it in mind.