May 11, 2006

6th week

Starting a new job is never easy. I know. I'm living it right now.

I want to prove myself - that I'm a hardworking, honest, competent and useful team member. Yet, I can't even remember the names of all the people at work! I don't know what the time frame should be, how soon I'm supposed to learn things. I like learning new things. Is it the competitive streak in me that wants to speed through the learning process? I was never a competitive student. All I expect is more from me. I don't even bother about other people. Two persons told me today that I put too much pressure on myself. Perhaps.

No complaints about my mentor at work. He's been very supportive and appreciative. He makes me laugh, which is always a good teacher to have. There ARE good people out there who will help. Try to make things easier. He's that type. Don't know how I'll survive there without him. But I feel bad. He should be focusing on, well, engineering stuff. Instead he's stuck with training me. Poor guy. Endless questions crop up all day, yet he's been patient. I don't want to be a nuisance. I try my best to avoid bugging him. Why?

I overheard someone say I was too chatty. Believe me, it sounded like a bad thing. I wasn't even the one who was looking for chitchat at that time! The person went to my area and started chattering away! Was I supposed to ignore the person? That's not the way I was brought up. Seems like the person only wanted to hear their own voice, not wishing for me to reply in return. How was I supposed to know that? The injustice continues to rankle at me. So as the usual me goes, I avoid the person. I'd rather retreat into my shell and keep to myself. But that's just not me. Don't ask who it was. My lips are sealed.

Now, just because someone said I'm chatty doesn't mean I shouldn't learn, right? Well, I ask a lot of questions...too many, I think. Sometimes when I'm being trained, questions keep popping up in my head. It takes a lot of will power to stop me from asking all of them.

Anyway, I know the workplace is not the right place to look for friends, but it would be nice to do more than talk shop. There has to be more to life than work. There has to be. I don't know the people, the place, the culture. Too many unknowns. Should I go out and befriend them? Should I wait and see what will happen?

Everyday is a rollercoaster ride. I get home so tired yet I can't sleep. When I do get to sleep, I dream of spreadsheets. I'm not a big fan of numbers and spreadsheets.

Sometimes I find myself actually missing The Other Place. The routine was comforting. I miss the people, but not everyone. They still email me, saying they miss me. I miss the feeling that back there, I knew everything. I was Ms. Go-To. Even if the place went from worse to worst, I knew how the place ticked. I knew my place. I knew what worked and what doesn't.

Now I...DON'T.

Yet I know I wouldn't go back to The Other Place. You'd have to drag me kicking and screaming. It's not even an option.

I feel lost somehow. Not knowing where to turn. What the next day will bring. What lies ahead. New things and new experiences are usually exciting to me. Meeting people, all the more so. But there are days when it's not. Maybe today is one of those days.

For the most part, I enjoy where I am now. I don't get that hollow feeling in the pit of my stomach when it's time to go to work. Being cheerful is not a bad thing (unlike The Other Place). That other job is like a bad relationship, the baggage I'm carrying now. I'm filtering everything through the lens I got there. It shouldn't be this way.