October 19, 2007

It's easy to be shortsighted

It's easy to be shortsighted.

I'm overworked, underpaid and tired of my current job. I want to quit, of course. I'm tired of being the one they think should be responsible for practically everything. I don't want to be everything for everyone, but the past few months, that's what's been happening.

Yet I realize that I still like what I'm doing, and I still think that I got lucky they paid me the salary I wanted (instead of what they had budgeted, which was $20,000 less than what I wanted). I'm just tired because of the actual workload, of the many responsibilities that get thrown my way and not enough hours in the day to deal with them. Every morning when I enter our office, I have to take a deep breath and pace myself. I keep reminding myself that there's only one of me and that I can only do so much in one day. If I keep acting like the office Supergirl, then of course, that's how they'll treat me. I have been trying to limit my responsibilities and learn to delegate. At least, now I know that I CAN delegate, that I can get a temp to help me if and when I need one. Which is not so bad.

HOWEVER, I still do not see myself working here in the long-term. I don't see myself growing old here, nor do I want to stay here that long that it will age me prematurely. Given the current pace of our company's growth, the second scenario is really not impossible.

Anyway, I'm frustrated because I've been constantly refining my life plans and trying to find out what my husband's life plans are. Turns out he will go along with what I want because he just wants ME to be happy. Now, I realize that other women out there would think, "but that's so sweet and romantic!" But honestly, it makes me wonder what would really make HIM happy. I mean, he MUST have an idea of what he wants to do with his life. Right? Does it mean that HIS goal in life is simply to make me happy? Now that doesn't sound so awful, but still...even OUR life plan still depends on me and what I want? How and when did I get these many responsibilities? And how could it be OUR life plan if it's all about me?

As I was saying earlier, it's easy to be shortsighted. To plan things based on my kneejerk reaction to how things are going. But that's nearly not as good as actually sitting down one day, daring myself to visualize my dream life without letting anything get in the way of my imagination, and then figuring out how to make it happen.

The thing is, I HAVE sat down and imagined how my dream life would be. I HAVE been figuring out how to make it happen. It's just that of course, I have to consider what my husband really wants, instead of assuming that he wants what I want, so I can refine the plans accordingly. I mean, the plans I come up with aren't even set in stone. I'm flexible enough to know when something needs changing or updating.

I really believe Somebody Up There listens to what we want. He also knows what's good for us, even the timing. It's up to us to figure out because hey, He did give us free will. We either go the whole nine yards or not at all. That's always been how I've lived my life. When it's a yes, it's a yes; when it's not, then no way!

Funny, all of these coming from me when I consider myself as someone who likes doing spur-of-the-moment things, who dislikes planning to the smallest detail, who would really just amble along and dawdle. I guess I'm all that and more when it comes to food, traveling or trying new things. Just not when it comes to thinking of our lives in the long-term. At least I want to have a sense of direction.