July 22, 2008

Finally

I've been tired and exhausted. Unsure whether I should rant, rave, complain and whine. Feeling perplexed, bewildered and unsettled. I have a list of things to do that I haven't had the chance of doing. More accurately, I haven't mustered enough energy and enthusiasm to do. I've been holding off on a fresh start, instead holding on to bitterness, hurt, anger and confusion. Is it self-indulgent to allow yourself time to process everything that's happened? I don't think so. After all, life is not all sweetness, comfort, calmness and clarity.

I've always given myself the space to feel things. If I'm happy, it's obvious. I relish in being happy. I laugh my head off, giggle with glee, even clap merrily (like watching the Frankie Valli concert that cheered me up immensely for a short time). But if I'm sad, I don't rush off trying to fend off the sadness. Sadness is not a bad thing. I know for a fact that sometimes, I have to hit rock bottom before I can bounce back, then I know I'll be okay. Why should I deny myself the truth of what I feel? Don't I owe myself that truth?

I'm looking for good reasons why things happened the way it did, why hurtful things were said, why awful things transpired. I want everything to make sense. But after talking with my husband last night, I realized that not everything makes sense. Some things ARE. That's all. People will do what they want to do, think what they want to think and say what they want to say with complete disregard for other people. And is that fine? Hell no. But that's just the way it is.

I can't make someone love me, like me or respect me. I can't force someone to see the good I've done, especially if they're focused in seeing the bad. I can't change someone's mind about me. I can love someone, but it doesn't mean that I must suffer for it. I shouldn't be made to feel like a victim for loving someone. I shouldn't be made to feel like my love isn't enough. I shouldn't have to compete with other relatives for love and affection. I shouldn't be pitted against others to constantly prove love.

At the same time, no one can force me to love, like or respect those I find despicable, the vexations to my spirit. No one can make me change my mind about others when their actions and words do not match, or even match so perfectly that their behavior can be excused. No one has to suffer because they love me, nor feel victimized by that love or feel like their love isn't enough.

This morning, something unusual happened. I woke up thinking, "it's time to finish the unfinished". FINALLY. It doesn't happen often, so the fact that it finally did must mean something, right?

Take out the bad. Bring in the good. Get out of the darkness and into the light. Yes, I speak in binarisms when life isn't all black and white. Pardon me for that. It makes processing easier by not thinking of gray areas right now.

I'm looking at my list of things to do. As of right now, I already finished three tasks. Not bad.

Things have a way of working out. Maybe it's time to relax and let things happen or simply let things be.

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