April 3, 2009

All about forgiveness

It's not something you force upon yourself, nor is it something you can expect readily from others. Yet there's so much pressure to forgive easily and readily. As if not forgiving quickly is a bad thing. But isn't forced forgiveness ultimately worse? You're not ready for it and you're just saying you've forgiven someone, but deep inside, it still rankles like a bad stinky sore. Then you get into this weird loop that you feel bad about yourself because you CLAIM you've forgiven but clearly, you don't feel you really do. So yes, I'm all for taking your own sweet time until you reach that point when you forgive. Which leads me to...

Lately, I'm feeling quite forgiving of my dad.

I'm sad that what he thought of us became a self-fulfilling prophecy. But that's not my issue, it's his.

I feel sorry for him, which he wouldn't like because no one wants other people's pity, right? But it's only because somehow, I think that in his mind, he's sorry about what happened, what he said, etc. but pride gets in the way of admitting that. It's just not in the culture, or his generation, to admit such things.

I don't want to be the kind of person who doesn't forgive. I don't want to be the kind of person who continues to view all things in a negative way. I don't want to be that type of person who expects the worst of everyone, purely based on selective experiences with other people. I don't want to be bitter.

Yet I don't want to be treated like a fool. Things HAD changed. Pretending that I can go back to the way things were is, at best, naive. I moved on. I learned the lessons. I forgive...or I come close to forgiveness.

The lessons I've learned? Not to come up with self-fulfilling prophecies myself. Not to expect the worst of people, yet not to expect too much. Accept that people have their own minds. And yes, parents are people too. Remove the blinders that prevent me from seeing that fact. They'll do what they want to, to hell with what other people think. And that includes their children.

Which is fine because these same parents have long tried to accept us, their children, the way we are. Or at least tried to keep their mouths shut, even when we're doing things in a way different than they'd want us to. So it's only fair to extend the same...um, courtesy.


... Paige said...

What a deep subject, forgiveness. From what you have written you have grown and come to know the deeper meaning of it. Acceptance without anger and love in spite of it.

Cecilia said...

Thanks, Paige.