May 26, 2009

Friendships gone bad

I find myself thinking about my friendships lately.

There's this friend who keeps sending me Facebook friend requests, even if I've already declined it thrice. She was my high school best friend. Thanks to her, I learned that people can lie to your face and not flinch at all. Up to now, I can never listen to her without wondering, "which part of this story is true?"

Another friend waited 20 years before telling me that her first boyfriend was my first ex. I wouldn't have minded, really. She said I was hurting the nice guy who was head over heels gaga about me, so I should give him a chance. I did, only to realize too late that she's the one interested in him. After I ended it in less than a week's time, I suspected they became a couple, but she denied it. It took 20 years before I found out that I was right.

Then there were two friendships that went down the drain all due to a job promotion. The first one moved to the department where I worked, I trained her, then she went after the promotion I was up for. The second one joined our office a year or two after I did. In fact, I trained her as well. Both ladies (older than me, if I may add) wanted so desperately to be promoted that I had two women spreading nasty rumors about me. Of course it didn't work. I got promoted, but both friendships were shot to hell.

Of course, not all my friendships are awful. I do have friends that are a text/e-mail/IM/phone call away, the type of friends that you're certain will be there for you - no ands, ifs or buts about it. There's this friend who disappeared on me for YEARS. Then somehow, we got back in touch. Now it seems our friendship is better than ever. Some of my really good friends exert the same effort I do just to keep in touch. What's more, phone conversations with them are never peppered with awkward pauses. They usually end up as marathon conversations.

What have I learned from the friendships gone wrong? Some people have no compunction about lying. They couldn't tell me the truth, so they kept secrets from me and/or lied to me. What's more, I seem to bring out the competitive streak in some folks. But as one friend pointed out, how these people treated me reflects more about them than about me. I don't agree with that 100% - it takes two to tango, so there must be something in my personality that scares them so much, they can't tell me the truth. Maybe. And the competitive streak? Goodness knows I have my own standards to live up to that I've no time to compete with anyone else. But maybe they haven't defined their own standards yet, so they just compete with what's available.

Thankfully, I don't see myself as their victim. But sadly, I don't see myself as their friend either.


Jon said...

I would rather question if those friendships were genuine to begin with. Cause for me, true friends don't treat another friend like the way they treated you. A true friend will not maliciously lie to you. A true friend will not actively go for what is important to you. I dunno...

Cecilia said...

You know Jon, it took awhile to realize that true friendships aren't supposed to be that way. You're actually right, a true friend don't treat another friend that way. That's why the people I mentioned in this post are no longer active friends of mine (but in my FB friend list, considering booting them out) or they're totally out of my life. I'm more cautious and selective. Just one of life's lessons.

Lani said...

"I've heard it said that people come into our lives for a reason, bringing something we must learn. And we are led to those who help us most to grow."

Perfectwound said...

Firstly, thank you for your comment on my blog. :)

I've been betrayed by friends and still are keeping in contact, because we'd knew each other for almost 20 years. And I know he don't intend to hurt me, but that is just his nature and ways of doing things. To some, letting things go is still worth it.

In my case, I don't believe in anything the people in my workplace says anymore. I rather believe no lies, than to hear some truth. Sad huh.

... Paige said...

How sad. But if you are better off now and happy now what does it matter the things of the past. Yes they help form who we are now and in the future but you can let them go. Be glad that you were not dupped further or worse.

Cecilia said...

Sistah Lani, that is indeed true.

Perfectwound, I'm still in touch with the first one I mentioned, but simply for the sake of keeping in touch. Nothing more. We're part of the same group in high school, after all.

Paige, it was really odd how those things kept popping in my head. So I thought it best to blog about it and get it out. After I did, that was that. Therapeutic, really. Glad it wasn't anything worse than it was.

Meikah said...

I always believe that friendship is one of the best gifts that we have. And like any other gift, some deserve it, others not. Sad, but true. That's why we value and nurture those who are real true friendships. ;)