October 10, 2009

The (Not-So) Impossible Mission

With all the crazy things that happened to our family last year, I became a woman with a mission. Now, I don't think I even blogged about it because it seemed like an impossible mission at the time. I wasn't even sure why I was doing it. I just KNEW that I wanted to get it done.

I was going to hunt down with a bow and arrow (well, not really, I'm just saying that for imagery purposes, har har!) the people that I thought or knew I'd hurt one way or the other. Then I wanted to apologize or, at the very least, explain my actions. Maybe it was part of a karma cleansing thing. "What goes around, comes around" as the saying goes. All I know is I can't hurt other people without owning up to what I've done.

If hunting them was impossible, if I had no idea how to find them, then I'd cast some type of net wide enough for them to find me. Mind you, I can be difficult to find - I dropped my first name, use my second name, hyphenated my maiden name with my husband's unusual last name, stopped using the nickname I've used for the longest time...so yes, casting a net wide enough to be found was tricky.

Surprisingly, some of them DID find me and became chat buddies for sometime. They were glad to find me and even happier to keep in touch. To my surprise, my apology took THEM by surprise because they: (a) thought THEY treated me badly; (b) thought they could've treated me better (even if they didn't treat me badly); and/or (c) thought I was the next best thing since sliced bread (which made me laugh...too funny!). Their memories of me remain good, so that's good.

I've to admit, it was a bit of a downer. Here I was, ready and willing to acknowledge whatever wrong I might've done or whatever pain I might've inflicted. Then I didn't even get to cringe, wince, or stammer in acute embarrassment for being an awful, awful person. Come to think of it, I should be thankful that I didn't need to grovel, whine or whimper.

More than a year later, I'm wondering if my mission - that particular mission - is done. At least I no longer have to beat myself up over those things. What's more, they made me realize that I really AM harder on myself than anyone else.