June 30, 2012

Bye June!

Saying the month of June was hectic is an understatement even though it was. I barely had time to think of anything else except work. Which makes me antsy because I aim for work/life balance, though my idea of work/life balance isn't 50/50, but more 30/70 or even 20/80.

Has the work been happy and satisfying? Still no. It's not THE dream job. It's a job - regular paycheck, regular work hours. Given the state of the economy, I'm not going to let it pass, but it doesn't mean I'm not on the lookout for better opportunities. I've been assigned high-profile projects and passed with flying colors. It has reached the point that my boss no longer wishes to compliment me on what I've done. Everyone praises my work to high heavens, while he nitpicks on little things. Does it bother me? It aggravates me. He saw my potential, but didn't realize that I can actually tap it.

Some days, the people I work with attempt something I find hilarious - making me promise things I don't intend to keep. It's not that I'm not good with making promises. It's really simple - I don't make promises lightly. If I know or suspect that I wouldn't be able to live up to it, then no matter how much cajoling you do, I really won't fall for it. So they get frustrated with me. I don't think they realized that I've got my own mind. I might smile often, laugh, but it doesn't mean I'll do everything that I'm told.

I gained a pound per month that I'm there, so three weeks ago, I decided to take charge and stop the stress eating. Everyday, before I start the workday, I give myself a pep talk while driving to work. It's going to be a good day. It will be relaxing and productive. You will have many reasons to smile today. Then the moment I get in, I haven't even placed my stuff away, there's someone standing before me, "I have a problem." Almost everyday, before I head home, I have a good cry in the car. I'm not a crybaby, by any means. But the atmosphere is toxic to me. I know it, but I realize that I need serious downtime to sort things in my head.

"We need you." They keep telling me. My mind keeps answering back, "do I need you?" The answer is always no. I watch them go after their dreams. But no one dreams of doing the job I'm doing when they were young. They don't grasp that though.

Another month lies ahead of us. I'm crossing my fingers in the meantime.