July 31, 2013

Decoding Symptoms

In the middle of my recent health issue, I asked my husband to borrow the audiobook from the library "Your Body Speaks Your Mind". For some reason, it made sense to me in the same way "Anatomy of the Spirit" did before.

Here's what I learned and realized after listening to the audiobook:

1. Neck is the bridge between the mind and the heart. Neck problems occur when there's a conflict between the mind and heart. The neck hurts when you get too much mental activity.
In my case, I've been paying attention to everyone at work, making sure that their needs are met. After all, the Director explicitly told me before, "you have to keep everyone happy. The program's life span depends on it." There was the constant threat that the program would get shut down, you see. I was helping everyone, but not myself. I was constantly on my toes anticipating when and what needs to be done. My mind was constantly firing off on all pistons. There were too many balls to juggle, but there was only one me. When I ended up with a stiff neck, it seems like my body was telling me, "look straight ahead. Focus. Find your direction. See what's in front of you." If I can't move, I only see what's ahead. Which is probably what I needed to do.

Eventually, it was very tough for me to continue doing a good job when my heart wasn't in it. I knew I was in trouble when I started to resent the people I worked with. I didn't like the person I was becoming at all.

2. Shoulders is where we carry our responsibilities. The right shoulder is supposedly all about masculine energy - assertiveness, dominance. Right shoulder problems usually is about work issues and relationships with men in our lives, even difficulty in the relationship with the father. Are you doing what you want to do? Or is it blocked?
My former boss, the one who quit awhile ago, kept telling me how my sensitive nature is something that should be changed. He didn't think that it was a good trait to have in the workplace. He liked that I was assertive, but couldn't understand that my sensitivity tempers the assertiveness. I know when to be assertive and dominant. He was always trying to mold me into someone I'm not. He gets frustrated because I refuse. I get frustrated because he tries to change me. What's more, I've long known that the job wasn't what I want to do. Everyone knew I felt that way.

3. Back represents issues with responsibility and support. Do you stand up for yourself? Do you feel supported? If you have issues with your back, you usually hide and try to ignore your problems. Is there more emotional stress in your life than usual? 
When I thought about it, I've been feeling frustrated at work because no matter how hard I try to stand up for myself, no one listens. Quitting seemed a stupid idea. What about my financial obligations? I was so afraid of financial instability that I kept working and working, trying to ignore the fact that the job was sapping me of my energy and sanity. 

You know what else I realized? The neck, shoulder and back pain made me avoid going to work. I get to stay at home and avoid unpleasant issues. I know that I've been doing too much, yet I get no support even if I say I need help. In a weird way, the pain helped me avoid my work problems all the more. How sick is that?

4. Pain due to tension and muscle spasms represent emotional tension. Are you pushing back feelings? 
Definitely. I felt I was on edge most of the time. Highly strung. But I was forced to keep up appearances in an attempt to be professional. 

5. A straining back represents layers of resentment that no one helps you. You do everything yourself to get things done, which results in emotional loneliness and fear of future. You keep trying to prove how good you are for people to pay attention to, but they don't pay attention.
Again, right on target.

But now it's not something I have to worry about. I'm finally over and done with that place. Now it's time to focus on me.